After exhausting every source of revenue she can think of without breaching Labour’s election pledges, Britain’s cash-strapped chancellor has allegedly set her sights on wanking.
With the budget set for next month, one of the chancellor’s favourite think-tanks Nothing Left, has suggested that the measure could raise up to £12b from randy Brits.
Whitehall insiders have indicated that the government may also reverse their recent clampdown on the nation’s access to porn sites as a way of boosting revenue from the new tax.
It isn’t all bad news, however. We understand that every UK taxpayer will get an allowance of one tax-free wank a week before becoming liable for the duty at an affordable rate of a pound per pull.
A Downing Street spokeswoman told us this morning that if we all increase our frequency of self-pleasuring, we could actually doing good for the country. “With the amount of debt the country is in, every little helps,” She explained. “We’re not saying you have to indulge, but if you do, think of it as a patriotic contribution to fixing the economy.”
Apparently a marketing campaign is already being designed in the style of WW1 recruitment posters. They will feature motivational slogans such as, “Your country needs you…to rub one out.” “Bash the Bishop for Britain.” And, “What did you do to help fill the Tories’ black hole?”
We at the Post are sceptical of the chancellor’s ability to deliver on this policy. However, she’ll certainly be covered in glory if she manages to pull it off.
