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The Government has announced sweeping reforms to National Insurance Contributions, rebranding them as Nonce Importation Contributions to “better reflect modern spending priorities” and “tackle Britain’s chronic shortage of home-grown criminals.”
Originally introduced in 1911 to protect workers against sickness and unemployment, National Insurance has gradually evolved into just another tax. Ministers now say the funds will once again be ring-fenced; this time for “the vital work of importing a talented, diverse range of international offenders.”
“Last year’s recruitment drive for global villains underperformed,” said government spokesman Richard Withers. “Despite throwing open the borders and offering the most generous benefits in the world, we simply didn’t meet our quotas. So it’s time to get creative.
“The British people have made it clear: they cherish a steady influx of overseas thieves, murderers and rapists. We’re simply delivering on that mandate.”
The contributions, deducted directly from wages, will help finance the cost of transporting “the absolute crème de la crime from across the globe,” according to Treasury documents. The initiative is expected to accelerate Britain’s scheduled transformation into a lawless shithole by up to ten years.
“The best part,” Withers added, “is we get to keep the same initials – NIC – but now they stand for something more modern, fun and inclusive.”
The move was welcomed by ministers and met with an astounding lack of surprise by the British public.
