At the Reform Party conference last week, the party’s charismatic leader, Nigel Farage, promised to put a stop to illegal immigration within 2 weeks of becoming Prime Minister. This ambitious claim left many questioning how he could possibly pull off such a monumental task in such a short amount of time.
After gaining access to a leaked draft of Reform’s manifesto, The Southport Times can exclusively reveal that Farage intends to bribe any immigrant who agrees to go back where they came from with a free copy of James Blunt’s critically acclaimed debut album Back to Bedlam.
Apparently, Farage accidentally bought an entire shipping container filled with 150,000 copies of the CD during his time as a commodities trader, while intending to buy rare earth metals from a child-labour-run African mine. This could go some way to explaining how ‘Back to Bedlam’ became the best-selling UK album of 2005.
“It’s a classic Farage move,” one aide explained. “Tackle immigration and shift unwanted stock at the same time.”
We have heard several competing explanations for how the cunning plan was devised. One party insider told us that Nigel once heard a particularly off-key muezzin (call to prayer) on an all-inclusive fortnight in Turkey and couldn’t tell the difference between the tone-deaf imam and Blunt’s earnest wailing.
Alternatively, since Party Chairman Zia Yusuf is a famous Blunter (he apparently goes to every possible gig – and is a founder member of The Bluntourage fan club), it was thought that the popular vocalist’s soulful balladeering might work on everyone of a similar complexion.
Regardless of the reasoning, we are sure that Brits will be furious at this further evidence of two-tier treatment. “I was alright with the five-star hotels and free mobile phones,” one seething local told us. “But this is just taking the piss. British crooners for British people, as far as I’m concerned.”
“What’s next?” Another added. “Adele for the Albanians?”
