The UK is said to be deeply disappointed after recently purchasing a Starmer 1.0 Limited Edition Prime Minister from a discount Chinese website one night after a few drinks and a dodgy kebab.
“The Starmer didn’t look too bad when I first took it out of the box,” said Barbara from Windsor. “But within weeks it started falling apart and just kept repeating the same stupid shit over and over again. When they said it was a limited edition, I didn’t realise it meant limited in ideas or competence.”
The Starmer 1.0 was advertised as a “secure borders model” with advanced features like “boat-stopping” and “gang smashing.” However, so far it only seems interested in locking up grannies who complain about the boats on Twitter.
“I quite like Starmer’s suit,” admitted Rod from Hull. “But unfortunately they haven’t quite managed to make him look or sound like a real human with actual emotions.”
Temu has so far refused the UK’s request for a refund, saying that returns must be in perfect condition. Sadly, the Starmer 1.0 already appears to have accumulated many broken promises – and several of the bundled cabinet ministers have gone missing.
“I’m thinking of exchanging it for something more useful, like a chocolate teapot or a blunt potato peeler,” said Denzel from Washington.
