In yet another shock reshuffle this morning Sir Keir Starmer has ejected Shabana Mahmood from the Home Office in favour of Andy Burnham’s sultry, yet statesmanlike eyeliner.
Whitehall insiders say the move is pure strategy: “By giving Andy’s guyliner a cabinet job, Starmer keeps it too busy to plot a leadership bid. It’s the ultimate containment strategy.”
But some commentators have suggested an even more machiavellian motive. By separating the man from the makeup, Starmer expects Burnham’s popularity to collapse as voters begin to see through his ‘man of the people’ facade.
The eyeliner, which has served Manchester since 2017, has long been considered Burnham’s secret weapon – like Clark Kent’s glasses. It makes him look like someone who gets the bus to work and has a chippy tea for a treat on Friday night. Without it he just looks like another public school educated sleazeball politician.
Meanwhile, voters in Burnham’s former Manchester mayoral region are said to be furious. One particularly incensed resident told us that Andy’s eyeliner had, “done more for the North than levelling up ever did.”
